Somatic & Cognitive Therapy Insights

November 25, 2025

Rebuilding Confidence and Assertiveness Through Somatic & Cognitive Therapy: A Polyvagal-Informed Perspective

For many young professionals today, confidence doesn’t come from a lack of talent or ability — it’s shaped by the state of the nervous system. You can know exactly what you want to say in a meeting and still freeze. You can have strong ideas but hold back out of fear of making a mistake. You can want clear boundaries yet struggle to express them. These challenges aren’t character flaws. They are physiological patterns shaped by stress, safety, and the body’s perception of threat.

This is where Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, becomes incredibly useful. In my practice in North West London, I integrate somatic therapy, cognitive therapy, and the Alexander Technique to help clients understand how their nervous system shapes confidence, assertiveness, and the ability to set healthy boundaries. When you understand why your body reacts the way it does, change becomes possible — and far more compassionate.

How Your Nervous System Shapes Confidence

Polyvagal Theory is based on a simple idea:
your physiological state determines how you think, feel, and respond.

This means that the body often reacts before the mind has time to evaluate a situation. Many of my clients — especially young professionals navigating pressure, responsibility, and performance — recognise this pattern:

Freezing when put on the spot

Feeling small or tense around authority

Overthinking conversations

Having good ideas but struggling to speak up

Feeling responsible for keeping the peace

Avoiding conflict or boundary-setting

These aren’t “mindset problems.”
They are nervous system responses.

The body tightens, the breath shortens, and the shoulders rise long before thoughts like “Don’t say the wrong thing” or “What if they judge me?” appear.

Somatic therapy helps you notice these patterns gently, without shame or blame. Cognitive therapy (CBT and REBT) helps you understand the beliefs that sit underneath them. Combined, they help you build the confidence, clarity, and assertiveness you often know you have — but struggle to access when you need them most.

Awareness Comes Before Change

Porges highlights something deeply important:
The reaction is not the problem — the awareness is what changes things.

This means that your body’s response is not a failure. It’s a signal.
We often believe our body should follow our intentions:

“I want to be confident.”

“I want to speak clearly.”

“I want to stay calm.”

But the body listens to safety, not willpower.

This is why self-compassion matters. When we replace judgement with curiosity — “Oh, this is what my body does when it feels pressure” — the nervous system softens. Curiosity opens the door to growth; self-criticism closes it.

Movement Helps Unlock Confidence and Assertiveness

One of Porges’ most practical insights is that movement helps the nervous system shift out of threat. When the body is stuck in stillness, especially during traditional talk therapy, it has fewer ways to regulate itself.

In somatic and Alexander-informed work, movement is central:

gentle guided movements

awareness of posture and breath

releasing unnecessary effort

finding fluidity instead of bracing

Movement signals safety to the nervous system. It supports clearer thinking, more grounded communication, and a stronger sense of presence — essential ingredients for confidence and assertiveness.

This is why young professionals who feel “frozen” or “stuck” often respond so well to somatic therapy. They don’t need to think their way out of the problem. They need to move their way back into themselves.

Self-Regulation Begins With Co-Regulation

Many people believe they should be able to regulate themselves:
Stay calm. Stay rational. Breathe. Focus.

But Polyvagal Theory shows that we regulate best in the presence of another safe person. This is called co-regulation, and it’s why therapy — especially somatic therapy — is so powerful.

You borrow steadiness from another person until your body relearns how to hold it on its own.

For clients in North West London who feel disconnected from themselves, isolated, or constantly under pressure, co-regulation becomes the foundation for rebuilding confidence and boundaries. You don’t learn calm through force — you learn it through connection.

Why Some Clients Suddenly Withdraw

If you’ve ever started therapy or coaching and then stopped unexpectedly, it may not have been a loss of motivation. Often, clients misread a moment as unsafe — a tone, a pause, a gesture — and the nervous system pulls away.

This is not a cognitive decision.
It is a protective reaction.

Many young professionals carry shame or self-criticism, and when they sense they’ve “done something wrong,” they disappear to avoid perceived judgement. Understanding this helps us build safer therapeutic spaces where these reactions are expected, understood, and gently worked through.

How Alexander Technique Supports Embodiment and Confidence

The Alexander Technique aligns naturally with Polyvagal-informed somatic therapy. It increases awareness of:

muscular tension

posture and balance

breathing patterns

facial and vocal tone

These are some of the clearest signals of the nervous system. When your neck softens, your breath deepens, and your posture becomes easier, your mind becomes clearer too. Many clients find their voice becomes steadier, their communication more grounded, and their ability to set boundaries much stronger.

Confidence doesn’t begin in the mind — it begins in the body.

Reconnecting With Your Body When You Feel Numb or Stuck

Many clients come to therapy feeling disconnected from their bodies. They might say:

“I can’t feel anything.”

“My mind is always ahead of me.”

“I don’t know what I’m feeling until later.”

“My body doesn’t give me any signals.”

This numbness isn’t a flaw. It’s a protective mechanism.
Somatic therapy and the Alexander Technique help reopen those feedback loops gradually, guiding clients back into contact with their own physical experience.

This is the journey of embodiment — learning to feel your body again, safely. When you’re connected to yourself, confidence and assertiveness become far more natural.

The Role of Trust in Building Confidence and Boundaries

Humans are wired for trust, but not unlimited trust.
We need:

safe people

safe moments

safe spaces

These are what allow the nervous system to settle and reset.
In therapy, we create small, repeated experiences of safety — moments where your system feels seen, met, and not judged. Over time, this internalises into a stronger sense of self-trust, making confidence a more stable trait rather than something that comes and goes with circumstances.

When You Push Back or Resist — It’s a Signal, Not a Problem

Some clients worry they’re “not cooperating” in therapy — especially those who struggle with confidence or fear of disappointing others. But resistance is rarely resistance. It’s a signal that the body feels overwhelmed or unsafe.

In those moments, the work is not to push harder.
The work is to slow down, reconnect, and rebuild trust.

This gentler pace supports healthier boundaries — not only in therapy but in work, relationships, and daily life.

Final Thoughts

Confidence and assertiveness are not personality traits reserved for certain people. They are physiological capacities shaped by safety, connection, and awareness. Through somatic therapy, cognitive therapy, and Alexander Technique work, young professionals learn how to reconnect with themselves, speak clearly, set boundaries, and trust their voice again.

If you’re based in North West London or prefer online sessions, this work can help you feel more grounded, confident, and at ease in both your personal and professional life.

November 17, 2025

Assertiveness and Self-Confidence: The Way I See It

Young professionals I work with often describe the same pattern: they know what they want to say, but in the moment their shoulders lift, their breath tightens, and confidence slips away. This is a common response to stress — not a personal failing — and it’s something somatic and cognitive work can help with.

Feeling assertive and confident is rarely about simply “trying harder.” It’s usually about understanding what happens inside you—both mentally and physically—when pressure shows up. And for most of us, that pressure shows up fast.

Over the years, through my own experience and my work with clients, I’ve learned that confidence and assertiveness don’t grow from one single approach. They come from understanding the connection between your mind and your body, and from learning how to support both.

Why We Sometimes Hesitate (Even When We Know What We Want to Do)

We often judge ourselves for hesitating, staying quiet, or saying something we don’t mean.
But these moments aren’t failures—they’re reactions.

When a situation feels demanding, uncertain, or emotionally charged, the body often responds before the mind can catch up. You may tighten, hold your breath, or brace yourself without realising it. And when the body is in that state, thinking clearly becomes much harder.

This is why insight alone doesn’t always lead to change.
You can understand the problem perfectly… and still feel stuck.

Why Somatic Support Work Helps First

Somatic support work gives your nervous system a chance to settle so your mind can come back online.
It’s gentle, grounding, and incredibly practical.

When clients begin noticing what happens in their bodies during challenging moments, they often realise they’ve been preparing for pressure long before anything actually happens. The shoulders lift, the jaw tightens, the breath shortens. It’s the body’s way of saying, “Be ready.”

But this preparation often creates the very thing we’re trying to avoid:
less clarity, less confidence, and less space to think.

Somatic work helps you slow down the impulse to “brace.”
Instead of tightening, you learn to soften.
Instead of rushing, you allow a moment of space.
Instead of reacting, you feel the ground beneath you.

This small shift opens up room—room to breathe, room to think, room to be yourself.

When the Body Settles, the Mind Opens

Once the body feels steadier, cognitive and behavioural work becomes far more effective.

You can finally start exploring questions like:

What do I fear will happen if I speak up?

Why do I feel small in certain rooms?

What am I demanding of myself in those moments?

Whose approval am I waiting for—and why?

With more internal space, these questions stop feeling overwhelming.
They become clearer, and so do your answers.

You’re no longer trying to have a difficult conversation while your whole system is in survival mode. You’re working with a calmer mind and a more grounded body.

Mind and Body Need Each Other

If we only focus on the physical reactions, we miss the deeper meaning.

If we only focus on thoughts, we miss the patterns your body repeats.

Real change happens when the two meet.

Imagine noticing that your breath gets stuck when you’re speaking to someone senior at work. Physically, the breath holds. Mentally, there might be a belief that you need their approval or that a single mistake will reflect poorly on you.

When you link these two—your thoughts and your bodily reactions—you begin to understand the full picture. You can then practise speaking while breathing, staying open, and trusting yourself more.

That’s where confidence starts to grow—not from forcing, but from alignment.

Integrity and Self-Care: The Quiet Foundations of Confidence

Assertiveness and confidence don’t come from being loud or forceful.
They come from staying connected to yourself.

If you find yourself holding your breath, shrinking, or pushing yourself beyond your limits to be liked or accepted, your body is telling you something important: something in you doesn’t feel supported.

Confidence grows when you feel safe inside yourself.
Assertiveness grows when your actions match your values.
Both require self-care, not self-criticism.

A Final Thought

Confidence isn’t a personality trait you either have or don’t have.
It’s something you build, gently and consistently, by understanding how your mind and body respond to the world.

Somatic work helps you find steadiness.
Cognitive work helps you find clarity.
Together, they help you move through life in a more grounded, honest, and self-supportive way.

If any of this feels familiar and you’re curious about how somatic and cognitive support might help you feel more steady in yourself, you’re welcome to explore this work at your own pace. You don’t need to have everything figured out. Sometimes the first step is simply giving yourself a space to breathe, reflect, and feel supported.

If you’d like to start that process, you can book a session or reach out with any questions. I’m here to help you find the clarity and ease you’ve been looking for.

October 28, 2025

Assertiveness and Lack of Confidence: Understanding Albert Ellis’s REBT Approach

A topic that has always fascinated me is assertiveness and lack of confidence. Over the years, I have explored this subject from different perspectives — personal, psychological, and philosophical — but one approach that deeply resonated with me was that of Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT).

Before going deeper into his ideas, it’s worth mentioning a few things about Ellis himself. Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who, in the mid-20th century, revolutionised psychotherapy by challenging the traditional Freudian view that our emotions are largely determined by our past or unconscious drives. Instead, Ellis proposed that our beliefs about events — not the events themselves — shape our emotional experiences. This idea became one of the cornerstones of modern cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

Ellis believed that most of our emotional suffering comes not from what happens to us, but from how we interpret what happens. He argued that when we think irrationally, we create unnecessary anxiety, guilt, shame, and self-doubt. In his view, confidence and assertiveness are not built by trying to control other people’s opinions, but by learning to manage our own internal dialogue and self-beliefs.

The Inner Source of Confidence

One of Ellis’s most profound insights is that no one else can truly make you feel unconfident. It’s not other people who make you nervous, shy, or hesitant — it’s your own beliefs about yourself in relation to them.

If you try to be more assertive or confident purely to prove yourself to others, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Why? Because your confidence then depends on external validation — on others approving of you, agreeing with you, or liking you. And the moment they don’t, your confidence collapses.

True assertiveness, according to Ellis, comes from a mindset of unconditional self-acceptance — the idea that you are valuable as a human being regardless of whether others approve of you or not.

A Common Example: The Anxious Meeting

Let’s take a very relatable scenario. Imagine you are about to attend an important meeting with your bosses. As the meeting approaches, you start feeling anxious. Your heart races, your palms sweat, and your mind fills with thoughts like, “What if I mess up? What if they think I’m incompetent?”

Ellis would say: that anxiety doesn’t come from the meeting itself — it comes from what you are telling yourself about the meeting. You are thinking, “They must approve of me” or “It would be terrible if they thought I was wrong.” You have turned a simple preference (“I’d like them to think well of me”) into a demand (“They must think well of me”).

When you believe that you absolutely must perform perfectly and win everyone’s approval, you start to catastrophise. You tell yourself things like, “If I make a mistake, it will be horrible!” or “I couldn’t stand it if they disapproved of me.” In REBT terms, these are irrational beliefs — rigid, unrealistic demands that cause emotional disturbance.

You might even go further and engage in what Ellis called self-downing — telling yourself, “Because I’m feeling nervous, I must be a failure.” This kind of thinking transforms a normal human emotion (nervousness) into a full-blown crisis of self-worth.

The Cycle of Ego Anxiety

Ellis used the term ego anxiety to describe this pattern — a deep worry about one’s own worth and value. Ego anxiety manifests in many forms: shyness, shame, embarrassment, fear of rejection, or a constant need to impress others. It’s the voice in your head that says, “I must not fail,” “I must look confident,” or “I must be liked.”

But this “must” is what traps you. When you demand perfection from yourself or from others, you create a pressure cooker of frustration and fear. You become hyper-aware of how you appear, what others might be thinking, and whether you’re “good enough.” Ironically, this self-consciousness makes it even harder to perform well or to express yourself confidently.

This is why Ellis believed that one of the biggest enemies of confidence is the need for approval. When you make other people’s opinions more important than your own self-acceptance, you give away your personal power. You become dependent on their validation — and in doing so, you lose your inner stability.

Turning the Focus Inward

So how do you overcome this? Ellis’s answer was deceptively simple: you must learn to accept yourself unconditionally, even when you make mistakes or when others disapprove of you.

This doesn’t mean becoming arrogant or dismissive of others’ feedback. It means recognising that your worth as a person is not on trial every time you speak, perform, or interact. You are fallible — as everyone is — and that’s okay.

Ellis encouraged people to challenge their irrational beliefs by asking themselves questions like:

“Where is the evidence that I must be approved of by everyone?”
“Why would it be ‘horrible’ if someone didn’t like me?”
“Could I survive and still value myself if I failed?”

By questioning these automatic, rigid beliefs, you begin to weaken their power over you. Over time, this leads to a more relaxed, assertive, and authentic way of relating to others.

From Performance to Presence

When you stop demanding perfection from yourself, you can shift your focus from performance to presence. You stop obsessing over how others see you and start engaging more genuinely with the situation in front of you.

In the meeting example, this might mean reminding yourself:

“I’d like to do well in this meeting, but I don’t have to be perfect. Even if I stumble, that doesn’t make me a failure. I’m still a worthwhile person.”

This kind of thinking diffuses pressure and allows you to speak with calm assurance rather than fear-driven overcompensation. True assertiveness isn’t about being loud, dominant, or forceful — it’s about communicating clearly and honestly without being paralysed by the fear of disapproval.

Final Thoughts

Ellis’s message remains incredibly relevant today. In a world driven by social comparison and external validation — where “likes,” performance reviews, and image often seem to define our worth — learning to build inner confidence and self-acceptance is more important than ever.

When you stop demanding approval and start accepting yourself as you are, confidence becomes less of a performance and more of a natural expression of who you are. Assertiveness flows from the quiet belief that you have value — not because others say so, but because you decide to believe it yourself.

So next time you catch yourself thinking, “I must not fail,” or “They must approve of me,” pause for a moment. Ask yourself: “Says who?” Then remind yourself that your worth doesn’t depend on anyone’s judgment — and that real confidence begins when you stop trying to prove yourself, and start simply being yourself.

If this topic resonates with you, take a moment to notice where in your life you’ve been seeking approval instead of self-acceptance. What would change if you decided that your worth wasn’t up for negotiation? Share your thoughts in the comments below — I’d love to hear how you’re working on building your own inner confidence and assertiveness. And if you found this post helpful, consider sharing it with someone who might need a reminder that confidence begins within.

October 10, 2025

Disarming Ourselves: On Listening, Armouring, and the Courage to Be Real

Inspired by Stanley Keleman’s “Patterns of Distress”

“I am much more careful to listen, to consider choices, to pause and let things sink in before I respond with my ‘can do’ attitude. My thinking no longer has to be ‘right.’ I no longer force an idea out but attempt to get it out on its own time.”
—Stanley Keleman, Patterns of Distress

Some words stay with you—not because they offer instant solutions, but because they help you see something you’ve been feeling for a long time without fully understanding. That’s how I felt reading this passage from Stanley Keleman’s Patterns of Distress.

Keleman, a pioneer in somatic psychology, invites us to reflect not just on how we think, but how we embody our lives. He reveals how our body—our posture, breath, muscular tone—often reflects the unconscious ways we try to protect ourselves from the unpredictability of the world.

And in doing so, he opens the door to a deeply human truth: we are all, in some way, armoured.

The Habit of Armouring

We all learn, in different ways, to tense up in response to stress, discomfort, or emotional exposure. For some, this looks like holding their breath. For others, it’s stiffening the shoulders, clenching the jaw, locking the knees, or forcing a smile. These physical gestures often go unnoticed, but they are real. They are the body’s language of self-protection.

Keleman calls this armouring: the habitual tightening or bracing of the body to cope with the challenges of being alive in a complex world.

Sometimes, this armour keeps us safe. It helps us survive. But over time, it can become an unconscious barrier between ourselves and the very life we wish to live. We carry ourselves through the world like we’re expecting to be judged, rejected, or hurt. And without realizing it, we stop breathing fully—not just with our lungs, but with our presence.

The World Isn’t as We Presumed

One of the most striking lines in Keleman’s reflection is:

“This is accompanied with the thought that ‘I have to watch out’ or that ‘the world is not organised as I presumed.’”

There’s a quiet grief in that realization—that the world isn’t as safe, fair, or predictable as we imagined it to be. Maybe it hits us after a traumatic event, a betrayal, a loss, or simply the slow accumulation of adult disappointments. At some point, many of us come to understand: we can’t always control what happens to us, and we may not always perform or cope as expected.

That’s a humbling truth. But it can also be liberating.

Because when we stop trying to force ourselves to be perfect, composed, or endlessly capable, we may find something softer underneath—something more human. And with that comes compassion: both for ourselves, and for others who are also carrying invisible weight.

The Speed of Speaking, The Slowness of Listening

In the fast-paced world we live in, where instant messaging, quick replies, and hot takes dominate communication, true listening is becoming rare. We are often preparing our responses while the other person is still speaking. We speak to fill silences, to avoid awkwardness, or to prove our worth.

But how often do we pause?
How often do we actually let the other person sink in before we respond?

There’s a kind of urgency to be seen as competent, articulate, insightful, or just agreeable. And while that isn’t inherently wrong, it can also be a form of self-protection. We perform our thoughts rather than expressing them. We answer quickly so that no one notices how unsure or vulnerable we feel.

Listening—true listening—requires us to slow down and risk not knowing for a moment. It asks us to set aside our need to be impressive or in control and to simply be present.

The Courage to Be Unarmoured

It takes a certain bravery to meet the world without a mask. To allow ourselves to be quiet in a conversation. To admit we don’t have the answer. To speak from our own time, rather than rushing to meet the tempo of the moment.

This kind of courage is not loud or heroic. It’s quiet and persistent. It shows up in small acts:

Pausing before you speak.
Allowing yourself to breathe fully before entering a meeting.
Noticing that your jaw is tight and gently softening it.
Asking someone how they are, and actually listening to their answer without mentally preparing a reply.
Saying, “I’m not sure,” or “Let me think about that,” rather than forcing an answer.

These moments may seem minor, but they are powerful acts of disarmament. They signal to your nervous system—and to the people around you—that it’s okay to show up as you are.

Gentle Reflection as a Path to Change

Keleman’s insight isn’t about shame or self-correction. It’s about noticing. Becoming gently curious about how we move through the world. After a social interaction or a stressful moment, you might ask yourself:

How did I hold my body?
What was I trying to protect or prove?
Did I allow myself to breathe?
Did I speak from habit, or from meaning?
How could I respond differently next time—more gently, more authentically, more slowly?

These are not self-critical questions. They are invitations. Invitations to return to yourself. To experiment with new ways of being. To shift from reaction to reflection. From performance to presence.

The Pleasure of Real Connection

Something beautiful happens when we begin to disarm ourselves: we open the possibility for real connection.

Not just with others, but with ourselves.

When we drop the need to appear strong, smart, nice, or interesting, we make room for realness. And ironically, it’s in this realness that others often feel most drawn to us. Because they, too, are tired of pretending. They, too, want to breathe.

Even mundane conversations can feel nourishing when they’re grounded in presence. You don’t have to impress or entertain. You simply need to be there, listening and responding in your own time.

And when you do speak, you may find that your words carry more weight. Not because they are perfect, but because they are honest.

A Way to Live, Not Just a Way to Communicate

This reflection isn’t only about how we talk and listen. It’s about how we live.

To listen deeply—to others, to your body, to your inner life—is to engage with the world on different terms. It means being willing to live more slowly, more responsively, and more in tune with what matters.

It means choosing presence over performance.
Substance over speed.
Curiosity over control.

And in that space, life often begins to feel fuller. Not necessarily easier, but richer, more textured, more real.

Final Thoughts: The Gentle Path

If there’s one thing I take from Keleman’s work, it’s this:

We don’t have to force our way into life.
We can let life come out of us, in its own time.

It may be uncomfortable at first—this slower, more open way of being. But discomfort isn’t always a problem. Sometimes, it’s a sign that we’re growing. That we’re stepping out of the tight spaces we’ve lived in for too long.

So perhaps the real work isn’t to push ourselves harder, or pretend to be fine.
Perhaps the real work is to listen.
To pause.
To notice.
To breathe.
To ask, gently: How am I showing up in this moment?
And even more gently: How might I soften, just a little?

Because in that softening, we begin to live more truthfully.
And in that truth, we often find—perhaps for the first time—that life is not just bearable, but pleasurable.

September 29, 2025

The Importance of Values

Understanding which values are important to us is a vital part of living a meaningful and authentic life. Values help us clarify what truly matters and guide us in how we want to live. They act as an internal compass, helping us navigate decisions, relationships, and personal goals.

Certain therapeutic approaches, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), place strong emphasis on the exploration of values. Many of our personal struggles and emotional discomforts arise from not being in touch with the values that matter most to us.

It can be helpful to pause and ask ourselves:
“Why did this situation bother me so much?”
Often, the answer reveals a deeper truth — that one of our core values may have been compromised, challenged, or ignored.

When we don’t fully understand our own values, we may struggle to interpret our emotional reactions or express ourselves openly and authentically. This can lead to feeling stuck, silenced, or uncomfortable. By becoming clearer on our values, we not only gain insight into our inner world but also build the foundation to live more intentionally and expressively.

Discovering What Values Matter to You

To begin identifying your guiding values, try the following reflective exercise:

Step 1: Choose Your Top 10 Values

From the list below, choose 10 values that resonate most with your identity and aspirations:

Authenticity, Compassion, Professional Integrity, Curiosity, Justice, Empowerment, Non-judgment, Safety, Wisdom, Growth, Boundaries, Transparency, Respect, Attunement, Accountability, Presence, Spirituality, Humour, Courage, Creativity, Service, Trust, Clarity, Patience, Inclusivity, Humility, Reliability, Resilience, Openness, Ethical Rigour.

(Feel free to add any other values not listed here.)

Step 2: Narrow Down to Your Core 3

From your 10 values, narrow down to your top 5.
Then refine that list to your top 3 core values — the ones that feel most central to who you are and how you want to live.

Reflect on Your 3 Core Values

For each of your 3 core values, take time to reflect on the following questions:

What does this value mean to me?
(Define it in your own words, based on your lived experience.)
How do I embody this value?
(Consider how it shows up in your speech, actions, choices, and relationships — both verbally and non-verbally.)
Where do I sometimes compromise or struggle to uphold this value?
(Are there specific situations, relationships, or patterns where this value becomes difficult to maintain?)
What boundary or behaviour would better honour this value?
(What changes, limits, or actions could help you live more in alignment with it?)

Why Values Work Matters

This exploration is more than a self-help exercise — it’s a powerful way to gain insight into your reactions, choices, and emotional responses. Often, our discomfort or distress is a sign that something important to us is at stake.

By understanding the values behind our pain, we can begin to uncover meaning within it. When we move through suffering with a deeper understanding of why it affects us, we also open the door to healing, growth, and purposeful living.

September 24, 2025

How to Deal with Anxiety and Negative Thinking About Future Events

Anxiety often stems from a fear of the unknown. Something might happen — something we can’t fully control or predict — and this uncertainty triggers a feeling of danger. Our instinctive response becomes: “If I can’t control or predict it, I’m at risk. I must fix it or eliminate it.”

But trying to eliminate uncertainty only increases our anxiety. Instead, one of the most effective approaches is to learn how to live alongside uncertainty. By gradually exposing ourselves to it, we can develop confidence and tolerance to not only survive it — but to thrive in the face of it. We can learn to act in line with what truly matters to us, even when anxiety is present.

Uncertainty: The Only Certainty

If we take a step back, one undeniable truth becomes clear: life is inherently uncertain. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The only real certainty we have is that life is finite — and that we cannot control every outcome.

Yet, we spend a lot of our mental energy trying to gain control over the future. “What’s the best solution for this problem?” “What should I do next week?” “How will I feel two months from now?” This type of thinking is normal, but it can become overwhelming. The desire to predict and control becomes a barrier to living fully in the present.

Rather than trying to eliminate uncertainty — an impossible task — it may be more helpful to shift our focus. What actually brings joy and meaning into your life? What do you value? These questions are more within your control than the future ever will be.

Accepting That Uncertainty Is Here to Stay

We often tell ourselves, “If I could just figure out the right decision, I’ll be okay.” But even our best decisions come with unknown outcomes. That’s the nature of life.

What we can do, however, is try our best. And when you do that — when you make thoughtful, intentional choices based on the information you have — you can say to yourself, “I don’t know what will happen next, but I did the best I could.”

That simple shift can reduce the pressure to be perfect and increase your tolerance for not knowing.

Learning to Face Uncertainty

One of the most effective ways to build resilience in the face of anxiety is to deliberately, gently face uncertainty in small doses.

Start with something uncomfortable — not overwhelming — that carries some uncertainty. For example, you might speak up in a group, try something new without over-planning, or delay a decision just a bit longer than you’re comfortable with. The goal is to stretch your limits slowly and intentionally.

The important part is that you decide. You’re choosing to step into uncertainty, and that decision belongs entirely to you. Over time, this strengthens your ability to act with courage — not just despite anxiety, but alongside it.

Practice Being Present

When we’re caught in anxious thoughts, we tend to live in the future. We spend hours replaying scenarios in our minds, asking ourselves what the right decision is, or fearing how we’ll cope with something that hasn’t even happened.

But the only moment that truly exists is this one — right now.

Practicing “present mode” is about training yourself to come back to the here and now. Try setting aside just 15 minutes a day to put your phone down and sit quietly with yourself. No distractions. Just be with your breath, your body, and your thoughts.

Let them come and go without trying to change or fix them. You’re not trying to control your mind — you’re simply observing it. This kind of practice helps build calm and reduces the grip of anxious future-thinking.

Discovering and Living by Your Values

When life feels uncertain, it’s easy to get caught up in worry and indecision. That’s why it’s so important to clarify your personal values — the things that matter most to you.

You might start by asking yourself:
What kind of person do I want to be, regardless of what happens next?

Try having a gentle inner dialogue like this:

Exploring Me: What’s important to me as a person?
Observer Me: I’m not really sure.
Exploring Me: Okay — what qualities do I admire in others?
Observer Me: Honesty. Empathy. Courage.
Exploring Me: Do I want to be that kind of person too?
Observer Me: I think I do. That feels right.

Then, reflect on a memory when you felt proud of who you were. Maybe it was a time you spoke up, took a risk, or stayed true to yourself. That moment probably reflects the values you want to live by.

Why does this matter? Because when we let anxiety take over, we often stop acting in line with those values. We freeze, avoid, or overthink. But when we know what we stand for, we can move forward with more clarity — even when the path ahead is uncertain.

In Summary: Finding Meaning in the Unknown

From a glass-half-full perspective, uncertainty is what makes life dynamic and interesting. If everything were predictable, life would be safe — but also dull.

The anxiety we feel about uncertainty often creates more suffering than the situation itself. And time and again, people find that when the moment finally comes, it’s not as bad as they imagined.

So rather than fearing uncertainty, we can begin to see it as a companion — sometimes uncomfortable, but always part of the human experience. Learning to cope with uncertainty is one of the most valuable life skills we can develop. It allows us to live with more freedom, more purpose, and more peace.

Final Reflection

What helps you cope with uncertainty?
What values guide your actions when you’re unsure of what’s next?

Take a moment to reflect on these questions — or share your thoughts if you feel inspired. Learning to live with uncertainty isn’t easy, but it’s a skill that can lead to a richer, more meaningful life.

September 23, 2025

The Integrity of Waiting: Slowing Down Through the Alexander Technique

In a world that seems to run on urgency, it’s easy to forget that we can choose our tempo. We are constantly pulled by inner pressures and outer demands—to do more, be more, achieve more. But what if there’s another way? One that honors pause, patience, and presence?

One of the main reasons I love practicing and sharing the Alexander Technique is because it allows me to slow my tempo—organically. Not because I’m forcing myself to be calm or mindful, but because I’m cultivating the conditions for space to arise naturally.

There’s a beautiful idea in Alexander work, also echoed by somatic pioneer Stanley Keleman: that there is a waiting time for your response. A kind of inner integrity that allows your response to emerge—authentically, honestly—at whatever tempo is true for you in the moment.

In my opinion, this is not just a technique; it’s a practice for living. One that fosters stability, presence, and duration in whatever we choose to do. And yet, this way of responding takes time. It involves creating new neural maps, new muscular patterns, and in many ways, a new relationship to life itself.

The Culture of Urgency

We are constantly triggered by a culture that thrives on impatience. We feel the pressure to respond quickly, to perform efficiently, to “keep up.” Whether these demands come from inside us or from the outside world, they often provoke emotional reactions—anxiety, frustration, self-doubt—and we become trapped in reactive patterns.

Alexander work invites us to ask: How do we respond to these pressures? How do we meet life—not from habit, but from choice?

There’s a powerful quote by Viktor Frankl that captures this beautifully:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This quote sits at the heart of the Alexander process. That space between is where possibility lives. It’s where we can contact parts of ourselves that may have been dormant for years—buried under layers of stress, productivity, and survival mode.

Touching What’s Been Forgotten

Sometimes we only remember this part of ourselves when we take a break—on holiday, in a moment of stillness, or when we’re too exhausted to keep pushing. But what if we didn’t have to wait for burnout to reconnect? What if we practiced slowing down and listening every day?

That’s what Alexander work offers: a space to remember. A chance to re-integrate the parts of ourselves that have been neglected by modern life’s relentless pace.

It’s a reminder of the deep connection between body and mind—not as separate entities, but as a unified self. A self that needs time. Time to explore, to pause, to be.

A New Way of Being

We spend so much of our lives in achievement mode—constantly thinking about what’s next, how to improve, what we haven’t done yet. And while goals and growth have their place, we also need moments where we let all that go. Moments to simply be with ourselves.

To explore a different mode of living—one that is not based on demands, expectations, or pressure, but on presence, curiosity, and care.

And maybe, just maybe, in allowing ourselves that space, we become better decision-makers. We develop deeper relationships. We begin to live with more clarity, freedom, and joy.

If this reflection resonates with you, consider where in your life you might be able to introduce a little more waiting, a little more space. You don’t need to wait for exhaustion to give yourself permission to pause. The integrity of your response—your real response—comes from taking the time to feel it.

Let that be your practice.

August 26, 2025

Breathing Better with the Alexander Technique: A Step-by-Step Guide

Modern lifestyles often involve prolonged stress, extended periods of sitting, and shallow breathing patterns. These factors can disrupt our natural breathing rhythm, leading to tension, reduced oxygen intake, and overall discomfort. The Alexander Technique offers a practical approach to restoring ease and freedom in breathing by promoting mindful body awareness and releasing unnecessary tension.

Why Breathing Matters for Health and Wellbeing:

Breathing is deeply connected to body awareness and stress levels. Limited body awareness, often caused by prolonged sitting or tension, can restrict the lungs and lead to shallow, inefficient breathing. Stress further tightens muscles and disrupts natural breathing patterns, creating a cycle that affects both body and mind.

Non-interfering breathing refers to breathing that flows freely and naturally, without unnecessary tension or restriction from the body. This type of breathing enhances oxygen flow throughout the body, promoting relaxation and reducing stress. It also supports mental clarity and focuses by ensuring the brain receives the oxygen it needs to function optimally. Cultivating non-interfering breathing habits is therefore essential for overall health and wellbeing.

How the Alexander Technique Supports Natural Breathing:

The Alexander Technique helps you become aware of tension often held in the neck, shoulders, and chest—areas that can silently interfere with your natural breathing. For example, you might notice tightness in your shoulders after sitting at a desk all day, which can make your breath feel shallow or restricted.

By becoming aware of patterns of reaction—how your body habitually holds tension—you can begin to gently let go of these habits and allow your breath to flow more freely and comfortably. The technique also encourages the diaphragm—the main muscle involved in breathing—to move without restriction, promoting deeper, more efficient breaths.

With regular practice, the Alexander Technique helps you develop a sense of ease and freedom in your breathing, making it feel effortless and natural again, even during stressful or sedentary moments.

Step-by-Step Guide to Breathing Better

Step 1: Notice habits of reaction (jaw, shoulders, chest) during daily activities.

As you go about your day, pay attention to how your body reacts—do you clench your jaw while concentrating? Hunch your shoulders when stressed? Tighten your chest during phone calls? Simply observe these habitual reactions without trying to change them right away.

Step 2: Use a conscious pause before inhaling.

When you notice tension patterns or habitual reactions—like a clenched jaw while focusing on work, raise shoulders during stressful conversations, or a tight chest when rushing, take a brief conscious pause before your next breath. This pause doesn’t need to be long; even a second or two can help interrupt the automatic tension response.

For example:

Before answering a phone call, pause to notice if your shoulders are creeping up and gently drop them.
While sitting at your computer, notice the tension in your jaw or if you’re holding your breath, then pause and allow yourself enough time to organically come back to a state of non-reaction or non-tension.
When feeling frustrated in traffic, pause before inhaling and observe any chest tightness or shallow breathing.

This small, mindful pause acts as a reset button, giving your body a chance to shift away from habitual tension and inviting a more relaxed, natural breath.

Step 3: Allow natural breath to come (not forced).

Following the conscious pause, it’s important to let your breath flow naturally without any effort or control. Forcing or manipulating the breath can create unnecessary tension and disrupt the natural rhythm your body is designed to follow. When breathing naturally, the diaphragm moves smoothly and freely, expanding and contracting in harmony with your body’s needs.

Allowing the breath to come on its own encourages relaxation and supports efficient oxygen exchange. It helps regulate the nervous system by promoting a calm and balanced state. This effortless breathing fosters greater ease in the body and mind, reinforcing a healthy, sustainable breathing pattern.

Step 4: Notice Your Breathing as You Go About Your Day.

Bringing mindful breathing into your everyday life means staying gently aware of how your body responds during routine tasks. Notice moments when habitual tension or restrictive breathing patterns arise, whether you’re working, walking, or engaging in conversation. This ongoing awareness helps you recognize when your breath becomes shallow, your muscles tighten, or stress builds up.

By consciously observing these reactions without judgment, you create space to interrupt unhelpful patterns and allow a more natural, relaxed breath to re-emerge. Over time, this practice strengthens your ability to maintain ease and calm even in challenging or busy situations. Integrating this awareness into daily activities supports overall wellbeing by reducing physical tension, lowering stress levels, and enhancing mental clarity throughout your day.

Practical Examples & Applications

For singers, speakers, or performers:

The Alexander Technique helps performers become aware of unnecessary tension that can affect breath control and vocal quality. By fostering ease in breathing and movement, it supports better voice projection, stamina, and presence on stage.

For stress relief and relaxation:

Practicing awareness of habitual tension patterns and allowing natural breath can significantly reduce stress. The technique encourages a calm nervous system, making it a useful tool for managing anxiety and promoting deep relaxation.

Becoming aware of ourselves in everyday living:

The Alexander Technique invites us to notice how we move, sit, stand, and respond to daily situations. By becoming more conscious of these patterns, we can reduce strain, move with greater ease, and experience a more balanced, responsive way of living.

What Are the 5 Directions in the Alexander Technique? A Simple Guide for Beginners

Tips to Deepen Practice

Work with a certified Alexander Technique teacher:

Personal guidance can make a significant difference. A trained teacher can help you identify subtle patterns of tension and guide you in developing more easeful, conscious coordination in breathing and movement.

Combine with gentle movement practices:
Practices such as walking, yoga, tai chi, or swimming can complement the Alexander Technique by encouraging fluid, mindful motion. These activities help reinforce awareness and support natural breathing patterns.
Integrate with psychotherapy or emotional work:

Because the Alexander Technique involves noticing how we physically respond to stress, it can support and deepen emotional or psychological healing. When combined with therapy, it may help uncover and release long-held patterns of physical reaction tied to emotional experiences.

Keep a daily awareness habit:

Set aside a few minutes each day to pause, notice your breathing, and observe how you’re using your body in the moment. Even brief check-ins can help you stay connected to yourself and deepen the benefits of the practice over time.

Conclusion

Breathing with awareness can have a profound impact on how we move, feel, and function. By observing and changing habitual patterns of tension and reaction, the Alexander Technique supports a more natural, non-interfering breath. This shift can transform our sense of alignment, increase energy, and promote a deeper sense of calm and wellbeing in daily life. If you’re curious to experience these benefits for yourself, consider taking a lesson or reaching out to a certified Alexander Technique teacher. Even one session can offer valuable insight into how you’re using your body—and how small changes in awareness can lead to lasting transformation.

August 20, 2025

Why the Alexander Technique Is Recommended for People with Postural Pain

The Alexander Technique is often recommended for people suffering from postural pain because it addresses the root causes of discomfort, rather than just the symptoms. Here’s why it can be especially effective:

Improves Body Awareness:

Many people with postural pain aren’t aware of how their everyday habits—like slouching, craning the neck, or locking the knees—affect their bodies. The Alexander Technique teaches individuals to become more conscious of their posture and movement patterns, allowing them to identify and change habits that contribute to pain.

Encourages Natural Alignment:

Instead of imposing a rigid “correct” posture, the technique helps the body return to a more natural, balanced alignment. This reduces unnecessary tension and strain on muscles and joints, which is often the source of chronic postural pain.

Retrains Harmful Movement Patterns:

Over time, repeated poor movement patterns can cause or exacerbate postural issues. The Alexander Technique gently re-educates the body to move more efficiently and with less effort—reducing wear and tear on the body and easing pain.

Reduces Muscle Tension and Stress:

By promoting relaxation and minimizing overuse of certain muscle groups, the technique helps reduce chronic tension—particularly in the neck, shoulders, and lower back. This often leads to a noticeable reduction in postural discomfort.

Supports Long-Term Relief, Not Quick Fixes:

Unlike temporary solutions like braces or massages, the Alexander Technique empowers people with long-term strategies for managing and preventing pain. It fosters independence and self-care by teaching sustainable, body-friendly habits.

Validated by Research:

Studies, including research published in the British Medical Journal, have shown that the Alexander Technique can significantly reduce chronic back and neck pain and improve quality of life.

Benefits of the Alexander Technique for Postural Pain

Relief from chronic back, neck, and shoulder pain:

Many postural issues stem from unconscious habits—like tensing the neck when using a phone or slumping at a desk. The Alexander Technique helps you recognize and change these automatic reactions, reducing strain and discomfort over time.

Improved balance and coordination:

By bringing awareness to how you move during everyday activities, walking, standing, sitting—the technique retrains habitual movement patterns, restoring natural balance and poise.

Reduced muscle tension and stress:

Common stress reactions, such as tightening the jaw, raising the shoulders, or holding the breath, often go unnoticed. The Alexander Technique teaches you to pause and respond more consciously, easing tension and promoting a calmer, more relaxed state.

Step-by-Step: How a Lesson Works

Gentle hands-on guidance:

The teacher uses light, non-invasive touch to help you become aware of subtle patterns of tension and misalignment. This physical guidance encourages more easeful, balanced movement during simple activities like sitting, standing, or walking.

Breathing and movement awareness:

You’ll learn to notice how habitual reactions—such as shallow breathing or holding tension when moving—affect your posture and comfort. With gentle verbal cues and practice, you’ll begin to restore natural coordination between breath and movement.

Releasing unnecessary tension:

Much of the lesson focuses on helping you recognize and stop unconscious habits that lead to excess effort—whether you’re typing at a desk, lifting a bag, or even just standing. The goal is not to impose a “correct” posture, but to allow freedom and lightness in movement.

Everyday Applications for Better Posture

Recognizing and changing unconscious habits of reaction in daily life

Sitting at a desk:

Instead of forcing yourself to “sit up straight,” the Alexander Technique invites you to notice and pause before reacting—like tightening your neck, gripping the chair, or slumping when concentrating. By interrupting these habitual reactions, you allow more natural and supported sitting without added strain.

Walking and standing:

Whether you’re rushing to catch a train or standing in line, you may react by stiffening your legs, holding your breath, or tightening your shoulders. The Technique helps you become aware of these patterns so you can respond with greater ease and coordination, rather than tension and effort.

Using technology without strain:

Common reactions to screens—like jutting the head forward, collapsing the chest, or tensing the jaw—often go unnoticed. Through the Alexander Technique, you learn to pause before engaging, so you can use devices with less strain and more freedom of movement.

Speaking with more confidence:

Many people unconsciously tighten their throat, hold their breath, or slump their posture when speaking or presenting. The Technique helps you recognize these habitual reactions and replace them with freer, more relaxed use of your voice and body—boosting both confidence and clarity.

Why Experts Recommend the Alexander Technique

Medical research support:

Studies, including those published in respected medical journals, show the Alexander Technique effectively reduces chronic postural pain by helping patients recognize and change harmful habitual patterns of movement and tension.

Endorsements from healthcare professionals:

Many doctors, physiotherapists, and occupational therapists recommend the Technique as a complementary approach because it empowers patients to take an active role in managing their posture and pain through awareness and conscious change.

Long-term improvement vs. quick fixes:

Unlike treatments that mask symptoms or offer temporary relief, the Alexander Technique addresses the root causes of postural pain—habitual reactions and misuse of the body—leading to sustainable, long-lasting improvement.

Conclusion

The Alexander Technique offers powerful benefits for those suffering from postural pain by helping you become aware of—and change—unconscious habits of tension and movement. Through improved body awareness, reduced muscle strain, and more natural coordination, it promotes lasting relief and better overall well-being.

If you’re experiencing discomfort or want to move with greater ease, consider exploring Alexander Technique lessons. Learning to pause and rethink your habitual reactions can be a transformative step toward a healthier, pain-free life.

August 14, 2025

What to Expect in CBT Sessions for Stress Reduction

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a type of talk therapy that helps people notice and change unhelpful thoughts and actions. It teaches practical ways to feel better, especially for problems like stress, anxiety, or feeling down. CBT is usually short-term and focuses on what’s happening now and how to handle it.

CBT is often used to help people deal with stress. It helps by:

-Figuring out what’s making you feel stressed

-Noticing unhelpful thoughts, like “I can’t handle this” or “Everything is going wrong”

-Learning to think in a more balanced way, so things feel less overwhelming

-Finding simple ways to cope, like breaking tasks into smaller steps or taking short breaks

-Changing habits that might be adding to your stress, like saying yes to too many things or avoiding problems

CBT doesn’t make stress go away completely, but it gives you tools to handle it better and feel more in control.

What Is CBT and How Does It Help With Stress?

Explanation of CBT’s core principles:

Thoughts, feelings, and actions are linked. The way you think affects how you feel and what you do. If you change your thoughts, you can often feel and act better.

Negative thinking can become a habit. Sometimes people get stuck in unhelpful ways of thinking, like always expecting the worst or being too hard on themselves.

You can learn new ways of thinking. CBT helps you notice those negative thoughts and find more balanced, realistic ones.

It focuses on what’s happening now. Instead of digging deep into the past, CBT looks at what’s going on in your life right now and how to handle it.

You learn by doing. CBT often includes simple tasks or exercises to try between sessions, helping you practice new skills in real life. You and your therapist work together. It’s a team effort — you’re both working to help you feel better.

How does CBT help you change negative or unhelpful thoughts into more helpful ones?

CBT helps you change negative thoughts by first teaching you to notice when these thoughts pop up. Then, it guides you to question if those thoughts are really true or if you might be seeing things in a too-negative way. After that, you learn to come up with kinder, more realistic thoughts instead. This way, you start feeling less worried or upset and more able to handle things. Over time, this new way of thinking becomes a habit.

The connection between thoughts, emotions, and stress.

CBT shows that your thoughts, feelings, and stress are all connected. When you have negative or worried thoughts, they can make you feel upset or anxious. Those feelings then increase your stress. But if you can change the way you think—by spotting unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with more helpful or realistic ones—you can feel calmer and less stressed. So, by understanding and adjusting your thoughts, CBT helps you manage your emotions and reduce stress.

Your First CBT Session: What Happens?

Intake/Assessment:

I’ll start by asking about your experiences and what’s been happening in your life, current concerns, and why you’re seeking therapy. This helps them understand your situation better.

You might be asked things like:

– What problems are you facing right now?

– How do these issues affect your daily life?

– Have you tried anything to cope so far?

– What do you hope to get from therapy?

Setting Goals:

Together, we will decide what you want to work on, such as managing work stress, feeling less overwhelmed, or improving relationships. These goals help guide your therapy sessions.

Structure of Ongoing CBT Sessions

Session length and frequency:

Sessions usually last about 60 minutes and often happen once a week, but this can vary depending on your needs.

Session flow:

Each session typically starts by talking about how things went since the last meeting. Then, you work on learning and practicing new skills together. At the end, you’ll usually set some simple tasks or exercises to try before the next session.

Example activity:

One common focus is spotting stress-related thoughts, looking at whether they’re realistic, and learning how to challenge and change them.

CBT Techniques Commonly Used for Stress

Thought records:
Writing down negative or unhelpful thoughts to better understand and challenge them.

Behavioral experiments:
Trying out new behaviors to test if negative beliefs are true or not.

Relaxation training and breathing:
Learning simple ways to calm your body and mind when stress feels overwhelming.

Problem-solving:
Breaking down stressful problems into smaller steps and finding practical ways to handle them.

Between Sessions: Homework and Practice

Why practice outside therapy matters:
Using the skills you learn in sessions during your daily life helps make them stronger and more natural.

Types of homework:
You might be asked to keep a journal of your thoughts, try facing things that cause stress little by little (called exposure), or practice relaxation exercises.

How it helps long-term:
Doing these tasks builds new habits and makes it easier to manage stress over time, even after therapy ends.

How Long Does CBT Take to Work for Stress?

Typical duration:
CBT usually takes about 6 to 12 sessions to start seeing results, but this can vary depending on the person.

What affects progress:
How quickly you improve depends on things like how severe your stress is and how actively you practice the skills between sessions.

Focus on long-term skills:
CBT isn’t just about quick fixes—it helps you build lasting tools to manage stress well into the future.

When CBT May Not Be Enough Alone

Stress from outside events or trauma:
Sometimes stress comes from difficult life situations or past trauma, and CBT alone might not fully address these issues.

Combining with other approaches:
In these cases, CBT can be used alongside other treatments like medication or mindfulness practices such as the Alexander Technique to provide better support and relief.

Conclusion

In short, CBT is a helpful way to gently explore and change the thoughts and habits that make things like feeling overwhelmed, worried, or burned out harder to handle. You’ll meet regularly and try some easy exercises between sessions.

Remember, reaching out for support is a positive and caring step toward feeling calmer and in control. Whenever you feel ready, you’re welcome to book a session to begin this process.