Notes on Being Human

November 25, 2025

Rebuilding Confidence and Assertiveness Through Somatic & Cognitive Therapy: A Polyvagal-Informed Perspective

For many young professionals today, confidence doesn’t come from a lack of talent or ability — it’s shaped by the state of the nervous system. You can know exactly what you want to say in a meeting and still freeze. You can have strong ideas but hold back out of fear of making a mistake. You can want clear boundaries yet struggle to express them. These challenges aren’t character flaws. They are physiological patterns shaped by stress, safety, and the body’s perception of threat.

This is where Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, becomes incredibly useful. In my practice in North West London, I integrate somatic therapy, cognitive therapy, and the Alexander Technique to help clients understand how their nervous system shapes confidence, assertiveness, and the ability to set healthy boundaries. When you understand why your body reacts the way it does, change becomes possible — and far more compassionate.

How Your Nervous System Shapes Confidence

Polyvagal Theory is based on a simple idea:
your physiological state determines how you think, feel, and respond.

This means that the body often reacts before the mind has time to evaluate a situation. Many of my clients — especially young professionals navigating pressure, responsibility, and performance — recognise this pattern:

Freezing when put on the spot

Feeling small or tense around authority

Overthinking conversations

Having good ideas but struggling to speak up

Feeling responsible for keeping the peace

Avoiding conflict or boundary-setting

These aren’t “mindset problems.”
They are nervous system responses.

The body tightens, the breath shortens, and the shoulders rise long before thoughts like “Don’t say the wrong thing” or “What if they judge me?” appear.

Somatic therapy helps you notice these patterns gently, without shame or blame. Cognitive therapy (CBT and REBT) helps you understand the beliefs that sit underneath them. Combined, they help you build the confidence, clarity, and assertiveness you often know you have — but struggle to access when you need them most.

Awareness Comes Before Change

Porges highlights something deeply important:
The reaction is not the problem — the awareness is what changes things.

This means that your body’s response is not a failure. It’s a signal.
We often believe our body should follow our intentions:

“I want to be confident.”

“I want to speak clearly.”

“I want to stay calm.”

But the body listens to safety, not willpower.

This is why self-compassion matters. When we replace judgement with curiosity — “Oh, this is what my body does when it feels pressure” — the nervous system softens. Curiosity opens the door to growth; self-criticism closes it.

Movement Helps Unlock Confidence and Assertiveness

One of Porges’ most practical insights is that movement helps the nervous system shift out of threat. When the body is stuck in stillness, especially during traditional talk therapy, it has fewer ways to regulate itself.

In somatic and Alexander-informed work, movement is central:

gentle guided movements

awareness of posture and breath

releasing unnecessary effort

finding fluidity instead of bracing

Movement signals safety to the nervous system. It supports clearer thinking, more grounded communication, and a stronger sense of presence — essential ingredients for confidence and assertiveness.

This is why young professionals who feel “frozen” or “stuck” often respond so well to somatic therapy. They don’t need to think their way out of the problem. They need to move their way back into themselves.

Self-Regulation Begins With Co-Regulation

Many people believe they should be able to regulate themselves:
Stay calm. Stay rational. Breathe. Focus.

But Polyvagal Theory shows that we regulate best in the presence of another safe person. This is called co-regulation, and it’s why therapy — especially somatic therapy — is so powerful.

You borrow steadiness from another person until your body relearns how to hold it on its own.

For clients in North West London who feel disconnected from themselves, isolated, or constantly under pressure, co-regulation becomes the foundation for rebuilding confidence and boundaries. You don’t learn calm through force — you learn it through connection.

Why Some Clients Suddenly Withdraw

If you’ve ever started therapy or coaching and then stopped unexpectedly, it may not have been a loss of motivation. Often, clients misread a moment as unsafe — a tone, a pause, a gesture — and the nervous system pulls away.

This is not a cognitive decision.
It is a protective reaction.

Many young professionals carry shame or self-criticism, and when they sense they’ve “done something wrong,” they disappear to avoid perceived judgement. Understanding this helps us build safer therapeutic spaces where these reactions are expected, understood, and gently worked through.

How Alexander Technique Supports Embodiment and Confidence

The Alexander Technique aligns naturally with Polyvagal-informed somatic therapy. It increases awareness of:

muscular tension

posture and balance

breathing patterns

facial and vocal tone

These are some of the clearest signals of the nervous system. When your neck softens, your breath deepens, and your posture becomes easier, your mind becomes clearer too. Many clients find their voice becomes steadier, their communication more grounded, and their ability to set boundaries much stronger.

Confidence doesn’t begin in the mind — it begins in the body.

Reconnecting With Your Body When You Feel Numb or Stuck

Many clients come to therapy feeling disconnected from their bodies. They might say:

“I can’t feel anything.”

“My mind is always ahead of me.”

“I don’t know what I’m feeling until later.”

“My body doesn’t give me any signals.”

This numbness isn’t a flaw. It’s a protective mechanism.
Somatic therapy and the Alexander Technique help reopen those feedback loops gradually, guiding clients back into contact with their own physical experience.

This is the journey of embodiment — learning to feel your body again, safely. When you’re connected to yourself, confidence and assertiveness become far more natural.

The Role of Trust in Building Confidence and Boundaries

Humans are wired for trust, but not unlimited trust.
We need:

safe people

safe moments

safe spaces

These are what allow the nervous system to settle and reset.
In therapy, we create small, repeated experiences of safety — moments where your system feels seen, met, and not judged. Over time, this internalises into a stronger sense of self-trust, making confidence a more stable trait rather than something that comes and goes with circumstances.

When You Push Back or Resist — It’s a Signal, Not a Problem

Some clients worry they’re “not cooperating” in therapy — especially those who struggle with confidence or fear of disappointing others. But resistance is rarely resistance. It’s a signal that the body feels overwhelmed or unsafe.

In those moments, the work is not to push harder.
The work is to slow down, reconnect, and rebuild trust.

This gentler pace supports healthier boundaries — not only in therapy but in work, relationships, and daily life.

Final Thoughts

Confidence and assertiveness are not personality traits reserved for certain people. They are physiological capacities shaped by safety, connection, and awareness. Through somatic therapy, cognitive therapy, and Alexander Technique work, young professionals learn how to reconnect with themselves, speak clearly, set boundaries, and trust their voice again.

If you’re based in North West London or prefer online sessions, this work can help you feel more grounded, confident, and at ease in both your personal and professional life.

November 17, 2025

Assertiveness and Self-Confidence: The Way I See It

Young professionals I work with often describe the same pattern: they know what they want to say, but in the moment their shoulders lift, their breath tightens, and confidence slips away. This is a common response to stress — not a personal failing — and it’s something somatic and cognitive work can help with.

Feeling assertive and confident is rarely about simply “trying harder.” It’s usually about understanding what happens inside you—both mentally and physically—when pressure shows up. And for most of us, that pressure shows up fast.

Over the years, through my own experience and my work with clients, I’ve learned that confidence and assertiveness don’t grow from one single approach. They come from understanding the connection between your mind and your body, and from learning how to support both.

Why We Sometimes Hesitate (Even When We Know What We Want to Do)

We often judge ourselves for hesitating, staying quiet, or saying something we don’t mean.
But these moments aren’t failures—they’re reactions.

When a situation feels demanding, uncertain, or emotionally charged, the body often responds before the mind can catch up. You may tighten, hold your breath, or brace yourself without realising it. And when the body is in that state, thinking clearly becomes much harder.

This is why insight alone doesn’t always lead to change.
You can understand the problem perfectly… and still feel stuck.

Why Somatic Support Work Helps First

Somatic support work gives your nervous system a chance to settle so your mind can come back online.
It’s gentle, grounding, and incredibly practical.

When clients begin noticing what happens in their bodies during challenging moments, they often realise they’ve been preparing for pressure long before anything actually happens. The shoulders lift, the jaw tightens, the breath shortens. It’s the body’s way of saying, “Be ready.”

But this preparation often creates the very thing we’re trying to avoid:
less clarity, less confidence, and less space to think.

Somatic work helps you slow down the impulse to “brace.”
Instead of tightening, you learn to soften.
Instead of rushing, you allow a moment of space.
Instead of reacting, you feel the ground beneath you.

This small shift opens up room—room to breathe, room to think, room to be yourself.

When the Body Settles, the Mind Opens

Once the body feels steadier, cognitive and behavioural work becomes far more effective.

You can finally start exploring questions like:

What do I fear will happen if I speak up?

Why do I feel small in certain rooms?

What am I demanding of myself in those moments?

Whose approval am I waiting for—and why?

With more internal space, these questions stop feeling overwhelming.
They become clearer, and so do your answers.

You’re no longer trying to have a difficult conversation while your whole system is in survival mode. You’re working with a calmer mind and a more grounded body.

Mind and Body Need Each Other

If we only focus on the physical reactions, we miss the deeper meaning.

If we only focus on thoughts, we miss the patterns your body repeats.

Real change happens when the two meet.

Imagine noticing that your breath gets stuck when you’re speaking to someone senior at work. Physically, the breath holds. Mentally, there might be a belief that you need their approval or that a single mistake will reflect poorly on you.

When you link these two—your thoughts and your bodily reactions—you begin to understand the full picture. You can then practise speaking while breathing, staying open, and trusting yourself more.

That’s where confidence starts to grow—not from forcing, but from alignment.

Integrity and Self-Care: The Quiet Foundations of Confidence

Assertiveness and confidence don’t come from being loud or forceful.
They come from staying connected to yourself.

If you find yourself holding your breath, shrinking, or pushing yourself beyond your limits to be liked or accepted, your body is telling you something important: something in you doesn’t feel supported.

Confidence grows when you feel safe inside yourself.
Assertiveness grows when your actions match your values.
Both require self-care, not self-criticism.

A Final Thought

Confidence isn’t a personality trait you either have or don’t have.
It’s something you build, gently and consistently, by understanding how your mind and body respond to the world.

Somatic work helps you find steadiness.
Cognitive work helps you find clarity.
Together, they help you move through life in a more grounded, honest, and self-supportive way.

If any of this feels familiar and you’re curious about how somatic and cognitive support might help you feel more steady in yourself, you’re welcome to explore this work at your own pace. You don’t need to have everything figured out. Sometimes the first step is simply giving yourself a space to breathe, reflect, and feel supported.

If you’d like to start that process, you can book a session or reach out with any questions. I’m here to help you find the clarity and ease you’ve been looking for.

October 28, 2025

Assertiveness and Lack of Confidence: Understanding Albert Ellis’s REBT Approach

A topic that has always fascinated me is assertiveness and lack of confidence. Over the years, I have explored this subject from different perspectives — personal, psychological, and philosophical — but one approach that deeply resonated with me was that of Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT).

Before going deeper into his ideas, it’s worth mentioning a few things about Ellis himself. Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who, in the mid-20th century, revolutionised psychotherapy by challenging the traditional Freudian view that our emotions are largely determined by our past or unconscious drives. Instead, Ellis proposed that our beliefs about events — not the events themselves — shape our emotional experiences. This idea became one of the cornerstones of modern cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

Ellis believed that most of our emotional suffering comes not from what happens to us, but from how we interpret what happens. He argued that when we think irrationally, we create unnecessary anxiety, guilt, shame, and self-doubt. In his view, confidence and assertiveness are not built by trying to control other people’s opinions, but by learning to manage our own internal dialogue and self-beliefs.

The Inner Source of Confidence

One of Ellis’s most profound insights is that no one else can truly make you feel unconfident. It’s not other people who make you nervous, shy, or hesitant — it’s your own beliefs about yourself in relation to them.

If you try to be more assertive or confident purely to prove yourself to others, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Why? Because your confidence then depends on external validation — on others approving of you, agreeing with you, or liking you. And the moment they don’t, your confidence collapses.

True assertiveness, according to Ellis, comes from a mindset of unconditional self-acceptance — the idea that you are valuable as a human being regardless of whether others approve of you or not.

A Common Example: The Anxious Meeting

Let’s take a very relatable scenario. Imagine you are about to attend an important meeting with your bosses. As the meeting approaches, you start feeling anxious. Your heart races, your palms sweat, and your mind fills with thoughts like, “What if I mess up? What if they think I’m incompetent?”

Ellis would say: that anxiety doesn’t come from the meeting itself — it comes from what you are telling yourself about the meeting. You are thinking, “They must approve of me” or “It would be terrible if they thought I was wrong.” You have turned a simple preference (“I’d like them to think well of me”) into a demand (“They must think well of me”).

When you believe that you absolutely must perform perfectly and win everyone’s approval, you start to catastrophise. You tell yourself things like, “If I make a mistake, it will be horrible!” or “I couldn’t stand it if they disapproved of me.” In REBT terms, these are irrational beliefs — rigid, unrealistic demands that cause emotional disturbance.

You might even go further and engage in what Ellis called self-downing — telling yourself, “Because I’m feeling nervous, I must be a failure.” This kind of thinking transforms a normal human emotion (nervousness) into a full-blown crisis of self-worth.

The Cycle of Ego Anxiety

Ellis used the term ego anxiety to describe this pattern — a deep worry about one’s own worth and value. Ego anxiety manifests in many forms: shyness, shame, embarrassment, fear of rejection, or a constant need to impress others. It’s the voice in your head that says, “I must not fail,” “I must look confident,” or “I must be liked.”

But this “must” is what traps you. When you demand perfection from yourself or from others, you create a pressure cooker of frustration and fear. You become hyper-aware of how you appear, what others might be thinking, and whether you’re “good enough.” Ironically, this self-consciousness makes it even harder to perform well or to express yourself confidently.

This is why Ellis believed that one of the biggest enemies of confidence is the need for approval. When you make other people’s opinions more important than your own self-acceptance, you give away your personal power. You become dependent on their validation — and in doing so, you lose your inner stability.

Turning the Focus Inward

So how do you overcome this? Ellis’s answer was deceptively simple: you must learn to accept yourself unconditionally, even when you make mistakes or when others disapprove of you.

This doesn’t mean becoming arrogant or dismissive of others’ feedback. It means recognising that your worth as a person is not on trial every time you speak, perform, or interact. You are fallible — as everyone is — and that’s okay.

Ellis encouraged people to challenge their irrational beliefs by asking themselves questions like:

“Where is the evidence that I must be approved of by everyone?”
“Why would it be ‘horrible’ if someone didn’t like me?”
“Could I survive and still value myself if I failed?”

By questioning these automatic, rigid beliefs, you begin to weaken their power over you. Over time, this leads to a more relaxed, assertive, and authentic way of relating to others.

From Performance to Presence

When you stop demanding perfection from yourself, you can shift your focus from performance to presence. You stop obsessing over how others see you and start engaging more genuinely with the situation in front of you.

In the meeting example, this might mean reminding yourself:

“I’d like to do well in this meeting, but I don’t have to be perfect. Even if I stumble, that doesn’t make me a failure. I’m still a worthwhile person.”

This kind of thinking diffuses pressure and allows you to speak with calm assurance rather than fear-driven overcompensation. True assertiveness isn’t about being loud, dominant, or forceful — it’s about communicating clearly and honestly without being paralysed by the fear of disapproval.

Final Thoughts

Ellis’s message remains incredibly relevant today. In a world driven by social comparison and external validation — where “likes,” performance reviews, and image often seem to define our worth — learning to build inner confidence and self-acceptance is more important than ever.

When you stop demanding approval and start accepting yourself as you are, confidence becomes less of a performance and more of a natural expression of who you are. Assertiveness flows from the quiet belief that you have value — not because others say so, but because you decide to believe it yourself.

So next time you catch yourself thinking, “I must not fail,” or “They must approve of me,” pause for a moment. Ask yourself: “Says who?” Then remind yourself that your worth doesn’t depend on anyone’s judgment — and that real confidence begins when you stop trying to prove yourself, and start simply being yourself.

If this topic resonates with you, take a moment to notice where in your life you’ve been seeking approval instead of self-acceptance. What would change if you decided that your worth wasn’t up for negotiation? Share your thoughts in the comments below — I’d love to hear how you’re working on building your own inner confidence and assertiveness. And if you found this post helpful, consider sharing it with someone who might need a reminder that confidence begins within.

October 10, 2025

Disarming Ourselves: On Listening, Armouring, and the Courage to Be Real

Inspired by Stanley Keleman’s “Patterns of Distress”

“I am much more careful to listen, to consider choices, to pause and let things sink in before I respond with my ‘can do’ attitude. My thinking no longer has to be ‘right.’ I no longer force an idea out but attempt to get it out on its own time.”
—Stanley Keleman, Patterns of Distress

Some words stay with you—not because they offer instant solutions, but because they help you see something you’ve been feeling for a long time without fully understanding. That’s how I felt reading this passage from Stanley Keleman’s Patterns of Distress.

Keleman, a pioneer in somatic psychology, invites us to reflect not just on how we think, but how we embody our lives. He reveals how our body—our posture, breath, muscular tone—often reflects the unconscious ways we try to protect ourselves from the unpredictability of the world.

And in doing so, he opens the door to a deeply human truth: we are all, in some way, armoured.

The Habit of Armouring

We all learn, in different ways, to tense up in response to stress, discomfort, or emotional exposure. For some, this looks like holding their breath. For others, it’s stiffening the shoulders, clenching the jaw, locking the knees, or forcing a smile. These physical gestures often go unnoticed, but they are real. They are the body’s language of self-protection.

Keleman calls this armouring: the habitual tightening or bracing of the body to cope with the challenges of being alive in a complex world.

Sometimes, this armour keeps us safe. It helps us survive. But over time, it can become an unconscious barrier between ourselves and the very life we wish to live. We carry ourselves through the world like we’re expecting to be judged, rejected, or hurt. And without realizing it, we stop breathing fully—not just with our lungs, but with our presence.

The World Isn’t as We Presumed

One of the most striking lines in Keleman’s reflection is:

“This is accompanied with the thought that ‘I have to watch out’ or that ‘the world is not organised as I presumed.’”

There’s a quiet grief in that realization—that the world isn’t as safe, fair, or predictable as we imagined it to be. Maybe it hits us after a traumatic event, a betrayal, a loss, or simply the slow accumulation of adult disappointments. At some point, many of us come to understand: we can’t always control what happens to us, and we may not always perform or cope as expected.

That’s a humbling truth. But it can also be liberating.

Because when we stop trying to force ourselves to be perfect, composed, or endlessly capable, we may find something softer underneath—something more human. And with that comes compassion: both for ourselves, and for others who are also carrying invisible weight.

The Speed of Speaking, The Slowness of Listening

In the fast-paced world we live in, where instant messaging, quick replies, and hot takes dominate communication, true listening is becoming rare. We are often preparing our responses while the other person is still speaking. We speak to fill silences, to avoid awkwardness, or to prove our worth.

But how often do we pause?
How often do we actually let the other person sink in before we respond?

There’s a kind of urgency to be seen as competent, articulate, insightful, or just agreeable. And while that isn’t inherently wrong, it can also be a form of self-protection. We perform our thoughts rather than expressing them. We answer quickly so that no one notices how unsure or vulnerable we feel.

Listening—true listening—requires us to slow down and risk not knowing for a moment. It asks us to set aside our need to be impressive or in control and to simply be present.

The Courage to Be Unarmoured

It takes a certain bravery to meet the world without a mask. To allow ourselves to be quiet in a conversation. To admit we don’t have the answer. To speak from our own time, rather than rushing to meet the tempo of the moment.

This kind of courage is not loud or heroic. It’s quiet and persistent. It shows up in small acts:

Pausing before you speak.
Allowing yourself to breathe fully before entering a meeting.
Noticing that your jaw is tight and gently softening it.
Asking someone how they are, and actually listening to their answer without mentally preparing a reply.
Saying, “I’m not sure,” or “Let me think about that,” rather than forcing an answer.

These moments may seem minor, but they are powerful acts of disarmament. They signal to your nervous system—and to the people around you—that it’s okay to show up as you are.

Gentle Reflection as a Path to Change

Keleman’s insight isn’t about shame or self-correction. It’s about noticing. Becoming gently curious about how we move through the world. After a social interaction or a stressful moment, you might ask yourself:

How did I hold my body?
What was I trying to protect or prove?
Did I allow myself to breathe?
Did I speak from habit, or from meaning?
How could I respond differently next time—more gently, more authentically, more slowly?

These are not self-critical questions. They are invitations. Invitations to return to yourself. To experiment with new ways of being. To shift from reaction to reflection. From performance to presence.

The Pleasure of Real Connection

Something beautiful happens when we begin to disarm ourselves: we open the possibility for real connection.

Not just with others, but with ourselves.

When we drop the need to appear strong, smart, nice, or interesting, we make room for realness. And ironically, it’s in this realness that others often feel most drawn to us. Because they, too, are tired of pretending. They, too, want to breathe.

Even mundane conversations can feel nourishing when they’re grounded in presence. You don’t have to impress or entertain. You simply need to be there, listening and responding in your own time.

And when you do speak, you may find that your words carry more weight. Not because they are perfect, but because they are honest.

A Way to Live, Not Just a Way to Communicate

This reflection isn’t only about how we talk and listen. It’s about how we live.

To listen deeply—to others, to your body, to your inner life—is to engage with the world on different terms. It means being willing to live more slowly, more responsively, and more in tune with what matters.

It means choosing presence over performance.
Substance over speed.
Curiosity over control.

And in that space, life often begins to feel fuller. Not necessarily easier, but richer, more textured, more real.

Final Thoughts: The Gentle Path

If there’s one thing I take from Keleman’s work, it’s this:

We don’t have to force our way into life.
We can let life come out of us, in its own time.

It may be uncomfortable at first—this slower, more open way of being. But discomfort isn’t always a problem. Sometimes, it’s a sign that we’re growing. That we’re stepping out of the tight spaces we’ve lived in for too long.

So perhaps the real work isn’t to push ourselves harder, or pretend to be fine.
Perhaps the real work is to listen.
To pause.
To notice.
To breathe.
To ask, gently: How am I showing up in this moment?
And even more gently: How might I soften, just a little?

Because in that softening, we begin to live more truthfully.
And in that truth, we often find—perhaps for the first time—that life is not just bearable, but pleasurable.

September 29, 2025

The Importance of Values

Understanding which values are important to us is a vital part of living a meaningful and authentic life. Values help us clarify what truly matters and guide us in how we want to live. They act as an internal compass, helping us navigate decisions, relationships, and personal goals.

Certain therapeutic approaches, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), place strong emphasis on the exploration of values. Many of our personal struggles and emotional discomforts arise from not being in touch with the values that matter most to us.

It can be helpful to pause and ask ourselves:
“Why did this situation bother me so much?”
Often, the answer reveals a deeper truth — that one of our core values may have been compromised, challenged, or ignored.

When we don’t fully understand our own values, we may struggle to interpret our emotional reactions or express ourselves openly and authentically. This can lead to feeling stuck, silenced, or uncomfortable. By becoming clearer on our values, we not only gain insight into our inner world but also build the foundation to live more intentionally and expressively.

Discovering What Values Matter to You

To begin identifying your guiding values, try the following reflective exercise:

Step 1: Choose Your Top 10 Values

From the list below, choose 10 values that resonate most with your identity and aspirations:

Authenticity, Compassion, Professional Integrity, Curiosity, Justice, Empowerment, Non-judgment, Safety, Wisdom, Growth, Boundaries, Transparency, Respect, Attunement, Accountability, Presence, Spirituality, Humour, Courage, Creativity, Service, Trust, Clarity, Patience, Inclusivity, Humility, Reliability, Resilience, Openness, Ethical Rigour.

(Feel free to add any other values not listed here.)

Step 2: Narrow Down to Your Core 3

From your 10 values, narrow down to your top 5.
Then refine that list to your top 3 core values — the ones that feel most central to who you are and how you want to live.

Reflect on Your 3 Core Values

For each of your 3 core values, take time to reflect on the following questions:

What does this value mean to me?
(Define it in your own words, based on your lived experience.)
How do I embody this value?
(Consider how it shows up in your speech, actions, choices, and relationships — both verbally and non-verbally.)
Where do I sometimes compromise or struggle to uphold this value?
(Are there specific situations, relationships, or patterns where this value becomes difficult to maintain?)
What boundary or behaviour would better honour this value?
(What changes, limits, or actions could help you live more in alignment with it?)

Why Values Work Matters

This exploration is more than a self-help exercise — it’s a powerful way to gain insight into your reactions, choices, and emotional responses. Often, our discomfort or distress is a sign that something important to us is at stake.

By understanding the values behind our pain, we can begin to uncover meaning within it. When we move through suffering with a deeper understanding of why it affects us, we also open the door to healing, growth, and purposeful living.