Why emotional regulation and body awareness are essential foundations for cognitive change
Assertiveness and self-confidence are often seen as traits we can simply “learn” or “train.” We read books, repeat affirmations, rehearse conversations, and tell ourselves to “just be confident.” Yet, as many of us have discovered, knowing what to say or how to act doesn’t always translate into feeling calm, grounded, or authentic when the moment comes.
This disconnect between what we know and what we feel lies at the heart of my exploration into assertiveness and self-confidence. Over time, through my work with the Alexander Technique and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), I’ve learned that neither somatic nor cognitive work alone can address the full complexity of these issues. Real, sustainable change arises when we integrate both — when body and mind learn to communicate and support each other.
Two Pathways: Somatic and Cognitive Work
Somatic work, such as the Alexander Technique, focuses on how the body moves, reacts, and holds tension. It helps us develop awareness of the subtle ways we prepare for life — often bracing, tightening, or shrinking in response to everyday challenges. Cognitive and behavioural approaches, like CBT, focus on how we think, interpret situations, and respond to them.
In isolation, each approach offers valuable insights. But in combination, they become transformative. Somatic work gives us access to the felt sense of our experiences — the way our bodies register fear, stress, or hesitation — while cognitive work helps us make sense of why we respond that way.
I’ve learned that the order matters too. Cognitive work, which operates through reasoning and reflection, can only go so far if the nervous system is dysregulated. When our body perceives threat, the rational brain simply doesn’t have the capacity to engage effectively. In those moments, we don’t need to “think differently” — we need to feel safe.
The Science: Why Thinking Isn’t Enough
Neuroscience offers an explanation that resonates deeply with my therapeutic experience. The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, reflection, and decision-making — cannot override a dysregulated nervous system. When the body feels threatened, the fight, flight, or freeze response takes over, and our higher reasoning temporarily goes offline.
That’s why clients often say things like, “I know what I should say, but I just freeze” or “I understand the logic, but I still feel anxious.” It’s not a failure of willpower — it’s biology.
In such moments, the body leads. Our muscles tighten, our breathing shallows, our gaze narrows. The body’s language of protection takes control long before thought has a chance to intervene. Trying to “think our way out” of that state is like shouting instructions to a person underwater — they simply can’t hear you until they come up for air.
Before we can use cognitive tools effectively, we must first help the body surface.
Somatic Awareness: Coming Home to the Body
This is where the Alexander Technique offers profound insight. It is a gentle yet powerful somatic practice that invites us to observe how we move, hold tension, and prepare for action.
In my work, I often notice that people who struggle with assertiveness or confidence carry a particular kind of physical compression. Their bodies seem to prepare for impact — a subtle tightening in the jaw, neck, chest, or pelvis. It’s as though their entire system whispers, “Something difficult is about to happen.”
This habitual readiness becomes self-defeating. The body’s tension signals to the nervous system that there is a threat, even when there isn’t one. That signal then reinforces emotional unease, which reinforces the physical pattern. It becomes a loop of anticipation and self-protection that quietly erodes confidence.
The Alexander Technique helps us interrupt this loop by inviting us to slow down. In that slowing, we learn to observe without judgment: Where am I holding? What am I preparing for? Can I allow this moment to unfold without forcing it?
These questions open space — literally and metaphorically. We discover that we can move, speak, and act without bracing. And in that newfound ease, confidence begins to emerge naturally, not as something we perform, but as something we inhabit.
Timing in Therapy: Meeting Clients Where They Are
In therapy, timing is everything. A client who arrives feeling anxious or dysregulated may not be ready for cognitive work right away. Asking them to analyze their thoughts in that state can be overwhelming or even counterproductive. Somatic work — gentle awareness, grounding, breathing, or mindful movement — often provides a more accessible starting point.
As trust builds and regulation improves, clients can begin to explore their thoughts and beliefs more safely. They become curious rather than defensive. Their bodies no longer interpret reflection as a threat. This is the point where cognitive and behavioural work truly begins to take root.
Therapy, in this sense, becomes a dynamic dance between the body and mind. The therapist’s role is to sense when to guide toward one or the other — when to pause for the body to settle, and when to engage the mind in understanding.
Every Body is Different
It’s important to remember that each person’s body-mind system is unique. Even identical twins — born at the same moment, raised in the same environment — develop different ways of perceiving and responding to the world. Our nervous systems are shaped by countless experiences: the tone of a parent’s voice, the posture we adopted in school, the micro-moments of success or rejection that shaped our sense of self.
Because of this uniqueness, there is no single “correct” way to build assertiveness or confidence. Some people may benefit from cognitive reframing first; others may need to start with deep physiological regulation. What matters most is developing awareness — of both the stories we tell ourselves and the bodies that carry them.
Bringing the Mind Back Online
Once the nervous system is calmer, we can reintroduce cognitive exploration. Now, questions like “Why do I feel uncomfortable in that meeting?” or “Why can’t I speak up?” can be approached with openness rather than shame.
This stage is where CBT and other cognitive approaches shine. We can begin to notice thought patterns that feed our self-doubt: perfectionism, fear of rejection, people-pleasing, or harsh self-criticism. But this time, the insights land differently — because the body is listening.
We can feel the difference between the thought “I must get this right” and the sensation of tightening it produces in our chest. We begin to connect meaning to movement, emotion to posture, cognition to breath.
The Deeper Link: Physiology and Meaning
If we focus only on the physiological side — the breath, posture, or muscle tension — we might miss the underlying story. Why do I hold my breath when someone disagrees with me? Why do my shoulders rise when I’m asked to speak? There is often a psychological need beneath these reactions — perhaps the need for approval, belonging, or safety.
Conversely, if we engage only cognitively, we might understand why we struggle but remain unable to change the feeling of it. We need both layers — the embodied and the intellectual — to create lasting change.
Here’s an example: imagine realizing that you hold your breath when speaking to your manager. Cognitively, you might recognize that this stems from a deep-seated desire for approval. Somatically, you notice the physical cost — tension, fatigue, a sense of being small. Through practice, you learn to keep breathing while you speak. Gradually, the body learns a new truth: I can stay open and still be safe.
This is transformation at its most organic — not forced from the mind outward, but nurtured from the body inward.
Self-Care and Integrity: The Cornerstones of Confidence
True assertiveness isn’t about dominating a room or forcing one’s opinion. It’s about standing in alignment — physically, emotionally, and morally. It grows out of self-respect, self-awareness, and the willingness to take care of ourselves even in moments of discomfort.
If I compromise my breathing, my posture, or my sense of ease in order to please someone else, I am betraying a small part of myself. Over time, those small betrayals accumulate. They chip away at integrity — and without integrity, confidence becomes performance rather than presence.
When we learn to regulate our nervous system and understand our cognitive patterns, we begin to act from self-care. We can say “no” without guilt, express disagreement without hostility, and speak from authenticity rather than fear.
The Internal Conversation
Ultimately, developing assertiveness and self-confidence is not about acquiring new skills; it’s about deepening our internal conversation. This dialogue happens on multiple levels — intellectual, emotional, and somatic.
Sometimes, the connection between these layers is obvious; other times, it’s subtle and requires patience. The body speaks in sensations, not sentences. We must learn to listen with curiosity rather than analysis: What am I feeling right now? What does my body know that my mind has not yet acknowledged?
As we tune in, we discover that assertiveness is not something we do — it is something we allow. Confidence emerges not from control, but from coherence — the integration of body, mind, and heart moving in the same direction.
In Closing
We live in a world that often prioritizes speed, productivity, and image over reflection, embodiment, and rest. Yet the journey toward authentic confidence asks us to slow down, to inhabit ourselves fully, and to make space for the wisdom of the body.
The integration of somatic and cognitive work reminds us that change is not a linear process. It’s cyclical, relational, and deeply human. Each time we pause, breathe, and realign, we practice a form of assertiveness that is grounded not in force, but in presence.
When we learn to regulate our bodies and listen to our thoughts with compassion, we create the conditions for genuine confidence — one that feels as natural as breathing.