Assertiveness and Lack of Confidence: Understanding Albert Ellis’s REBT Approach
A topic that has always fascinated me is assertiveness and lack of confidence. Over the years, I have explored this subject from different perspectives — personal, psychological, and philosophical — but one approach that deeply resonated with me was that of Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT).
Before going deeper into his ideas, it’s worth mentioning a few things about Ellis himself. Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who, in the mid-20th century, revolutionised psychotherapy by challenging the traditional Freudian view that our emotions are largely determined by our past or unconscious drives. Instead, Ellis proposed that our beliefs about events — not the events themselves — shape our emotional experiences. This idea became one of the cornerstones of modern cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
Ellis believed that most of our emotional suffering comes not from what happens to us, but from how we interpret what happens. He argued that when we think irrationally, we create unnecessary anxiety, guilt, shame, and self-doubt. In his view, confidence and assertiveness are not built by trying to control other people’s opinions, but by learning to manage our own internal dialogue and self-beliefs.
The Inner Source of Confidence
One of Ellis’s most profound insights is that no one else can truly make you feel unconfident. It’s not other people who make you nervous, shy, or hesitant — it’s your own beliefs about yourself in relation to them.
If you try to be more assertive or confident purely to prove yourself to others, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Why? Because your confidence then depends on external validation — on others approving of you, agreeing with you, or liking you. And the moment they don’t, your confidence collapses.
True assertiveness, according to Ellis, comes from a mindset of unconditional self-acceptance — the idea that you are valuable as a human being regardless of whether others approve of you or not.
A Common Example: The Anxious Meeting
Let’s take a very relatable scenario. Imagine you are about to attend an important meeting with your bosses. As the meeting approaches, you start feeling anxious. Your heart races, your palms sweat, and your mind fills with thoughts like, “What if I mess up? What if they think I’m incompetent?”
Ellis would say: that anxiety doesn’t come from the meeting itself — it comes from what you are telling yourself about the meeting. You are thinking, “They must approve of me” or “It would be terrible if they thought I was wrong.” You have turned a simple preference (“I’d like them to think well of me”) into a demand (“They must think well of me”).
When you believe that you absolutely must perform perfectly and win everyone’s approval, you start to catastrophise. You tell yourself things like, “If I make a mistake, it will be horrible!” or “I couldn’t stand it if they disapproved of me.” In REBT terms, these are irrational beliefs — rigid, unrealistic demands that cause emotional disturbance.
You might even go further and engage in what Ellis called self-downing — telling yourself, “Because I’m feeling nervous, I must be a failure.” This kind of thinking transforms a normal human emotion (nervousness) into a full-blown crisis of self-worth.
The Cycle of Ego Anxiety
Ellis used the term ego anxiety to describe this pattern — a deep worry about one’s own worth and value. Ego anxiety manifests in many forms: shyness, shame, embarrassment, fear of rejection, or a constant need to impress others. It’s the voice in your head that says, “I must not fail,” “I must look confident,” or “I must be liked.”
But this “must” is what traps you. When you demand perfection from yourself or from others, you create a pressure cooker of frustration and fear. You become hyper-aware of how you appear, what others might be thinking, and whether you’re “good enough.” Ironically, this self-consciousness makes it even harder to perform well or to express yourself confidently.
This is why Ellis believed that one of the biggest enemies of confidence is the need for approval. When you make other people’s opinions more important than your own self-acceptance, you give away your personal power. You become dependent on their validation — and in doing so, you lose your inner stability.
Turning the Focus Inward
So how do you overcome this? Ellis’s answer was deceptively simple: you must learn to accept yourself unconditionally, even when you make mistakes or when others disapprove of you.
This doesn’t mean becoming arrogant or dismissive of others’ feedback. It means recognising that your worth as a person is not on trial every time you speak, perform, or interact. You are fallible — as everyone is — and that’s okay.
Ellis encouraged people to challenge their irrational beliefs by asking themselves questions like:
“Where is the evidence that I must be approved of by everyone?”
“Why would it be ‘horrible’ if someone didn’t like me?”
“Could I survive and still value myself if I failed?”
By questioning these automatic, rigid beliefs, you begin to weaken their power over you. Over time, this leads to a more relaxed, assertive, and authentic way of relating to others.
From Performance to Presence
When you stop demanding perfection from yourself, you can shift your focus from performance to presence. You stop obsessing over how others see you and start engaging more genuinely with the situation in front of you.
In the meeting example, this might mean reminding yourself:
“I’d like to do well in this meeting, but I don’t have to be perfect. Even if I stumble, that doesn’t make me a failure. I’m still a worthwhile person.”
This kind of thinking diffuses pressure and allows you to speak with calm assurance rather than fear-driven overcompensation. True assertiveness isn’t about being loud, dominant, or forceful — it’s about communicating clearly and honestly without being paralysed by the fear of disapproval.
Final Thoughts
Ellis’s message remains incredibly relevant today. In a world driven by social comparison and external validation — where “likes,” performance reviews, and image often seem to define our worth — learning to build inner confidence and self-acceptance is more important than ever.
When you stop demanding approval and start accepting yourself as you are, confidence becomes less of a performance and more of a natural expression of who you are. Assertiveness flows from the quiet belief that you have value — not because others say so, but because you decide to believe it yourself.
So next time you catch yourself thinking, “I must not fail,” or “They must approve of me,” pause for a moment. Ask yourself: “Says who?” Then remind yourself that your worth doesn’t depend on anyone’s judgment — and that real confidence begins when you stop trying to prove yourself, and start simply being yourself.
If this topic resonates with you, take a moment to notice where in your life you’ve been seeking approval instead of self-acceptance. What would change if you decided that your worth wasn’t up for negotiation? Share your thoughts in the comments below — I’d love to hear how you’re working on building your own inner confidence and assertiveness. And if you found this post helpful, consider sharing it with someone who might need a reminder that confidence begins within.
