Rebuilding Confidence and Assertiveness Through Somatic & Cognitive Therapy: A Polyvagal-Informed Perspective
For many young professionals today, confidence doesn’t come from a lack of talent or ability — it’s shaped by the state of the nervous system. You can know exactly what you want to say in a meeting and still freeze. You can have strong ideas but hold back out of fear of making a mistake. You can want clear boundaries yet struggle to express them. These challenges aren’t character flaws. They are physiological patterns shaped by stress, safety, and the body’s perception of threat.
This is where Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, becomes incredibly useful. In my practice in North West London, I integrate somatic therapy, cognitive therapy, and the Alexander Technique to help clients understand how their nervous system shapes confidence, assertiveness, and the ability to set healthy boundaries. When you understand why your body reacts the way it does, change becomes possible — and far more compassionate.
How Your Nervous System Shapes Confidence
Polyvagal Theory is based on a simple idea:
your physiological state determines how you think, feel, and respond.
This means that the body often reacts before the mind has time to evaluate a situation. Many of my clients — especially young professionals navigating pressure, responsibility, and performance — recognise this pattern:
Freezing when put on the spot
Feeling small or tense around authority
Overthinking conversations
Having good ideas but struggling to speak up
Feeling responsible for keeping the peace
Avoiding conflict or boundary-setting
These aren’t “mindset problems.”
They are nervous system responses.
The body tightens, the breath shortens, and the shoulders rise long before thoughts like “Don’t say the wrong thing” or “What if they judge me?” appear.
Somatic therapy helps you notice these patterns gently, without shame or blame. Cognitive therapy (CBT and REBT) helps you understand the beliefs that sit underneath them. Combined, they help you build the confidence, clarity, and assertiveness you often know you have — but struggle to access when you need them most.
Awareness Comes Before Change
Porges highlights something deeply important:
The reaction is not the problem — the awareness is what changes things.
This means that your body’s response is not a failure. It’s a signal.
We often believe our body should follow our intentions:
“I want to be confident.”
“I want to speak clearly.”
“I want to stay calm.”
But the body listens to safety, not willpower.
This is why self-compassion matters. When we replace judgement with curiosity — “Oh, this is what my body does when it feels pressure” — the nervous system softens. Curiosity opens the door to growth; self-criticism closes it.
Movement Helps Unlock Confidence and Assertiveness
One of Porges’ most practical insights is that movement helps the nervous system shift out of threat. When the body is stuck in stillness, especially during traditional talk therapy, it has fewer ways to regulate itself.
In somatic and Alexander-informed work, movement is central:
gentle guided movements
awareness of posture and breath
releasing unnecessary effort
finding fluidity instead of bracing
Movement signals safety to the nervous system. It supports clearer thinking, more grounded communication, and a stronger sense of presence — essential ingredients for confidence and assertiveness.
This is why young professionals who feel “frozen” or “stuck” often respond so well to somatic therapy. They don’t need to think their way out of the problem. They need to move their way back into themselves.
Self-Regulation Begins With Co-Regulation
Many people believe they should be able to regulate themselves:
Stay calm. Stay rational. Breathe. Focus.
But Polyvagal Theory shows that we regulate best in the presence of another safe person. This is called co-regulation, and it’s why therapy — especially somatic therapy — is so powerful.
You borrow steadiness from another person until your body relearns how to hold it on its own.
For clients in North West London who feel disconnected from themselves, isolated, or constantly under pressure, co-regulation becomes the foundation for rebuilding confidence and boundaries. You don’t learn calm through force — you learn it through connection.
Why Some Clients Suddenly Withdraw
If you’ve ever started therapy or coaching and then stopped unexpectedly, it may not have been a loss of motivation. Often, clients misread a moment as unsafe — a tone, a pause, a gesture — and the nervous system pulls away.
This is not a cognitive decision.
It is a protective reaction.
Many young professionals carry shame or self-criticism, and when they sense they’ve “done something wrong,” they disappear to avoid perceived judgement. Understanding this helps us build safer therapeutic spaces where these reactions are expected, understood, and gently worked through.
How Alexander Technique Supports Embodiment and Confidence
The Alexander Technique aligns naturally with Polyvagal-informed somatic therapy. It increases awareness of:
muscular tension
posture and balance
breathing patterns
facial and vocal tone
These are some of the clearest signals of the nervous system. When your neck softens, your breath deepens, and your posture becomes easier, your mind becomes clearer too. Many clients find their voice becomes steadier, their communication more grounded, and their ability to set boundaries much stronger.
Confidence doesn’t begin in the mind — it begins in the body.
Reconnecting With Your Body When You Feel Numb or Stuck
Many clients come to therapy feeling disconnected from their bodies. They might say:
“I can’t feel anything.”
“My mind is always ahead of me.”
“I don’t know what I’m feeling until later.”
“My body doesn’t give me any signals.”
This numbness isn’t a flaw. It’s a protective mechanism.
Somatic therapy and the Alexander Technique help reopen those feedback loops gradually, guiding clients back into contact with their own physical experience.
This is the journey of embodiment — learning to feel your body again, safely. When you’re connected to yourself, confidence and assertiveness become far more natural.
The Role of Trust in Building Confidence and Boundaries
Humans are wired for trust, but not unlimited trust.
We need:
safe people
safe moments
safe spaces
These are what allow the nervous system to settle and reset.
In therapy, we create small, repeated experiences of safety — moments where your system feels seen, met, and not judged. Over time, this internalises into a stronger sense of self-trust, making confidence a more stable trait rather than something that comes and goes with circumstances.
When You Push Back or Resist — It’s a Signal, Not a Problem
Some clients worry they’re “not cooperating” in therapy — especially those who struggle with confidence or fear of disappointing others. But resistance is rarely resistance. It’s a signal that the body feels overwhelmed or unsafe.
In those moments, the work is not to push harder.
The work is to slow down, reconnect, and rebuild trust.
This gentler pace supports healthier boundaries — not only in therapy but in work, relationships, and daily life.
Final Thoughts
Confidence and assertiveness are not personality traits reserved for certain people. They are physiological capacities shaped by safety, connection, and awareness. Through somatic therapy, cognitive therapy, and Alexander Technique work, young professionals learn how to reconnect with themselves, speak clearly, set boundaries, and trust their voice again.
If you’re based in North West London or prefer online sessions, this work can help you feel more grounded, confident, and at ease in both your personal and professional life.
